APRIL
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FRIDAY 4/27: wow, i think this is the longest i have gone so far without skribbling something in here. i know my fifteen faithful vistors have been biting the top of their fingers off waiting for me to return...casual vistors will think my lack of an update is proof that i have run off and topped myself...too bad, i return. -the reason i haven't been here is i have been working on and finishing a new crap website in the melanism family. yes, the 5 Deadly Venom Spitters have agreed to let me force them make melanism.com their official home. so if you wanna see our take on the world no holds barred and/or sign our guestbook and spit some uncensored venom yourself, visit 5 DVS at http://melanism.com/dvs -i have been speaking to the sith pimp and he is just overflowing with ideas for his next column so expect one as soon as i can get home to focus. i am saying this again: i am NOT the sith pimp. he is a whole different person than me who has his own life and views. you can e-mail him at sith@melanism.com. don't blame me cuz you liked The Brothers. -considering all the cute plats i have, my wedding (an if...) and funeral (a definite) is going to be pretty hot. all my dawgs better dressed to impress. -as far as me and women go, i need to stop wearing my cologne. have you heard of it? it's called Buddy by Calvin Klein. don't buy it. -even thought he is pretty well off financially (i mean, he can afford to not pay me shit), but i feel really sorry for my boss. granted he's old and married and has a 9 year old son, but he can't do a single thing for himself. every aspect of his life is handled by me or my co-workers. something is wrong with his home phone? we gotta call Verizon. something is wrong with his cable? we gotta call Time Warner. he asks my co-worker at home to tape shit on TV for him. he has a VCR but he don't know how to use that shit except to play things. is his wife helpless in that respect too? one time, i had to go to his house and install a fax machine because he couldn't be bothered with it. what's gonna happen when all this is over and he doesn't have me or my co-worker here? how's he gonna be able to all of the sudden do all this shit for himself? ever see that episode of "The Simpsons" when Mr. Smithers goes on vacation and Homer forced Monty Burns how to be self-sufficent after he drives Homer nuts with all the shit he has him do and he socks him in the eye? maybe i should punch him in the eye...and then maybe he can call his wife. oh god, does that make me his Waylan Smithers??? MONDAY 4/23: ...ugh...rough weekend. -i thought about it a lot and i can't, in good faith give any type of rating to tom green's movie freddy got fingered. it's like an r-rated (almost x) verison of his MTV show. there was no real plot. it was funny in a stupid way. but it was really nasty. the girl sitting next to us walked out at the umbilical cord scene (i'm not saying)....so if you like tom green, go see it. if you don't, this movie will be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse...i thought i saw demi moore in the front row. -i never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever drink that much again...i promise. i don't know alkies do it. -83 degrees and i am stuck in traffic...life is cruel -it's a shame jeff buckley died...not that anyone dying isn't a shame, but i've been listening to Grace and recently purchases Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk and i appreciated his life and what could have been -the third level of melanism.com is almost complete. i hope you are ready. -to all my guestbook responders calling for my depression index, i'm fine. actually, lately i've been better than fine...i've had something to think about... ...wouldn't you like to know?
THURSDAY 4/19: "I'm
not the faker! You're the faker!" --Jackson Pollack -Pollack
-in the year
2001, is it too late to be "original"? has everything that is going to be done been done? not so much technology but in trains of thought we pride ourselves on being like nobody else are we all clichèd and don't even realize it? the truth is we are all just amalagram of books we read, movies and shows we watched, lyrics we listened to and whatever stuck in our heads from school...we are all just waling television sets channeling shit. i wish i was alive when everything was new. nobody's cooler than cro-magnon these days...not even me. TUESDAY 4/17: a few things to run by you...my ten loyal followers of my descent into Godknowswhat.. -Bridget
Jones' Diary: --i would like to thank the HBN for Radiohead's future album, Amnesiac. i am not going to go out on a limb and say it is better than Kid A but i can't stop listening to it...can't stop...won't stop --i would like to thank the sith pimp for FINALLY giving me not one but two articles. he promises more. it took me a month to get two...hold your breath. --i had some
nice thoughts that would make my guestbook writers more worried about
me but i'll save that for another day...when i stop listening to Amnesiac. MONDAY 4/16: after weeks of pestering and promises, the sith pimp has finally sent me his contribution. so click here to read his views on The Brothers and on...er...pussy. in case there is any question, i am not the sith pimp. the sith pimp is a person that is not melanism. his first appearance was on the guest book and it went from there...you can e-mail the sith pimp here with comments, questions, complaints, whining... SUNDAY 4/15: i figured easter sunday would be an appropriate time to share my views on religion... ...i don't buy it. i believe in God but i don't think i need to affliate myself with a religion to do so. see, my parents were twisted in some way i have yet to discover because they sent me to catholic school and a lutheran (my father's denomination) sunday school. you know the TRUE difference between catholicism and lutheran? three sacrements. lutherans only believed four of the seven sacrements where necessities (which makes sens because i know a lot who ain't gonna go through holy matrimony...). but to me, the whole point of one religion is like saying all other religions are wrong, the way throuigh heaven is through us, not them. sorry, somehow i don't think my God is that selective. sorry if that might offend you... TUESDAY 4/10
...on the motion picture, josie & the pussycats... -ok, it DOES have rosario dawson which is like 18 pluses and rachel leigh cook is cute at angles (everybody is an angle away from not being cute for longer than 15 seconds) but...if there is no sebastian, alexandra's black and white cat...then it's just not the same... shit, did eMpTV make this movie? what the hell is carson dlay doing in there? was he all over tara reid that much they said "damn, dude why don't you just be in this thing?" (wasn't in any of those jennifer love hewitt movies--lucky him) just had to get that off my chest carry
on. SUNDAY 4/8: -after owning hundres of tapes and cds of varying musical genres, i feel safe in saying... ...there is a song for every matter of the heart. -last night (and hopefully for the last time) i broke my promise of going to a club. the only real reason i went is because the sith pimp was making an appearance and figured over a couple of drinks, he would finally send me his piece. (please note the "comin soon" on the link). anyway, my contempt for clubs only grew stronger last night. i don't think that clubs are bad or wrong or anything of the sort. clubs are not for some people. i'm one of those people. every time i go and the initial hanging out with my friends and looking at the underdressed ladies and saving a plat* of mine from an undesirable wears off, i feel like the slow kid playing tag. allow me to explain when you were a little kid and you played tag. there were four types of players. 1) the kid who liked to be "it" and liked chasing after everyone (usually because he/she was fast and made short work of the task) 2) the kid who liked to not be chased because (s)he liked to hide or outrun whomever was it because they could. 3) the kid who hated to not be "it" because he/she knew because of their lack of speed, endurance, etc. they would soon be and remain... 4) the kid who hated being "it" because (s)he knew (s)he was probably going to be "it" for a long time unless kid #1 wanted to be "it" and let themself get caught. (which isn't very satisfying to this child). get it...? and of course my attractive plats don't understand my hate for such places when my best asset is at the disadvantage of one of my worst. cute girls love clubs. they are always kid #2. always. sorry, i'll stick to the bar/lounge setting * "plats" = platonic friends (that gets tiresome to write out) WEDNESDAY 4/4: last month, i endorsed julia roberts for erin brockovich for best actress which, out of the actresses who were nominated and movies i saw, was the right choice... ...but sunday
night, i saw dancer in the dark ( ...bjork's pain made me cry... ...they could have at least nominated her. even halfway throught the movie i didn't understand why she won the best actress award at cannes..until the last thirty minutes and then i was wondering why no one talked about her past cannes... i am not recommending this movie to ANYONE. if you wanted to see it or are interested, fine rent it. but don't do it based on what i say. i can totally see someone thinking this is the worst movie they have ever seen so proceed
with caution... UPDATES: new quotes, new movie, new cd...can you spot them? TUESDAY 4/3: it's been a short while so i'll have make up for it... ...i broke my promise to myself and went to a club on saturday. remind me never to break a promise to myself again. the club was tight. the drinks were watered down. the ladies were all kinds of fine but melanism is not a club goer. i am a lounger. ...is there
a conspiracy in hollywood for samuel l. jackson to have a fucked up
'do in his movies? think i'm playing? let's look at the evidence: the prosecution will not even get into pulp fiction and shaft (where to compensate for his bald head they spray painted a salvador dali beard)...we rest our case. ...join the melanism book club!!! ...the sith pimp doth procrastinate...but soon he will speak. ...remember when we all laughed at the prospect of dan quayle running for president? oh yeah, this was much better.
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(it was cute and funny and renee's accent wasn't that bad but she's
no gwenyth paltrow when it comes to yanks playing natural brits...)