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before
i begin, some people may take this page as a recommendation to buy this
book.let me save myself the trouble of having to field any "this
book sucked" comment from friends of mine who found the quotations
funny and blew their lunch money on this book and say but this book
at your own risk. did I like the book? more or less, yes. however, the
ben stiller sections tailed off towards the end and then were just silly
in his own way (kinda like the joke that makes you laugh the whole time
when telling it and when you finally finish you find no one is laughing
and say 'well, u had to be there'...expect the place you had to be to
get his joke is his mind)...as a result you will find janeane quoted
much more (i don't even know if I quote ben)...read this page and you
will get from the book what I got from it
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| How often have you had a friend who has told you about a girl of a guy they know whom you would be "perfect" for? Such setups almost always fail under the pressure of two people who have built up to each other, only to be not what they expected. |
| RULE: NEVER HAVE A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHOM YOU GET DRUNK WITH AND SCREW ON THE FIRST NIGHT |
| All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion. In other words, decide what your siblings and parents may have done to you and run with it. Let's also take into consideration the damage inflicted by familial/societal/ideological demands such as religion, athletics, and nationalism. Because it takes a village...to ruin a child. |
| For many financially secure Caucasian adults between the ages of twenty-four and thirty-seven, "complaining" about the family is an essential "healing tool" on the road to emotional balance. |
| The desire to obtain total control in any relationship is an appropriate impulse. Heed the whine of your inner child's need to take the ball and run home if others won't play along. Consider it your manifest destiny to expand your sway not only over people close to you, over those you may only glance at in step class. Stretch those manipulation muscles so that they may encompass and/or crush those who don't see your ideological views. |
| Obviously being the best you that you can be is important, but let's not forget how vital it is to make a good first impression. The best "you" probably isn't good enough, so let's just go with the best version we can create. |
| When dating, it is okay to borrow mannerisms and convictions from others in your social circle or on television. Pilfer quotes from novels, magazine articles, or political figures. C-SPAN, MSNBC, and Comedy Central are fertile ground for the acquisition of cocktail party intellect...It is advisable when dating another average Joe to indulge in the grape or, better yet, the brown liquors. After acquiring a sufficient buff, feel free to loudly give your opinion about the things of which you have only the most tenuous grasp... |
| ...Fabrication
reciprocal feelings is good for the self esteem. FOOTNOTE: Just pretend he/she likes you. Pretend really, really hard and you'll start to believe it. Once you're a believer, you'll fell like a reason to shower and shave, When you have a reason to shower and shave, you'll feel better about hailing your formerly hirsute carcass out of bed in the morning. |
| Let's say you've targeted your future significant other and imbued him/her with all the wonderful traits he/she has never even thought of possessing. You've already creatively visualized what it's like to have sex, bask in the afterglow, argue, reconcile, and thrive together. Fucking, fighting, and frivolity--what's left but fruition?...All of the pining and plotting is essential to divert attention from yourself and important matters that relate to your job or your education. It's not illegal to devote the small part of the human brain that actually works to longing for a mate who remains steadfastly unimpressed by you and all the fraudulent personality traits and "coincidental" meetings you offer. Their indifference is like mother's milk fortifying your inner mewling infant. |
| Procrastination is the indispensable foundation supporting a vast structure known as "your time." Twenty-four hours, seven days a week, every week, all year long, it's a broad canvas waiting to be filled...The key is waiting. Procrastination allows you to accomplish the bare minimum within the scope of your waking hours. Put off until tomorrow what could easily be accomplished today. If toady is the first day of the rest of your life, then life's too long for adherence to deadlines and societal restrictions. You want it when? Well, you'll get it when it's done. |
| People who are chronically punctual and get things done rapidly tend to be the objects of office gossip and derision. No need to put yourself in that position. To preserve your self-esteem, stay on the side which does the gossiping. Everyone likes a person who is equi-efficient and similar in shortcomings. Let Shakespeare hold the mirror to society--you keep your light under a bushel, and everyone will get along just fine. |
| News flash: The universe embraces honesty!...Every time we say, "I am just happy to do what I want to do, I don't need to be rich," the universe hears that! It has very good ears, by the way. Not only does it hear it, it does that annoying thing the universe has a habit of doing--transforming it into reality...Are you really just "doing what you want to do"? Actually think about it. If you had a choice between a) having total creative freedom at the job of your choice and not having any money, or b) being as rich as Midas but you had to...oh, I don't know, let's say write another self-help book that nobody needs, which would you choose? |
| From the man on the street to the cop on the beat, we can all agree that it is better to be attractive. Your mother lied; looks are everything, and the sooner you submit and stop denying the inevitable, the happier you will be...Do not misunderstand me. I dislike attractive people, as they are usually silly and weak, but it is in your best interest to try and curry their favor. You reap the benefits if there is a gorgeous guy/girl in your immediate social set. Broken down vehicles and meager funds at a bar are easily rectified if your easy-on-the-eyes mate seeks the kindness of strangers. It is not wrong to hitch your wagon to someone else's face. Surely they won't notice your parasitic behavior since eight out of ten homecoming kings/queens are utterly dull witted. |
| Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult...Many people are often wrong...Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in. |
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it is clear i was more moved/inspired/influenced/drawn
to (depends where I am in my life when you ask) to the words of janeane
garofalo than to those of Ben stiller...this should, in no way, be reflection
of my personal opinion of Ben stiller because i think the Ben stiller
show (also featuring janeane garofalo was one of the best sketch shows
ever (i have all but one episode on tape) and i thought the cable guy
(featuring a humorous cameo by janeane garofalo) was a brilliant movie
that got a bum rap...
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