24 Season Six: 4:00 AM - 5:00 AM/5:00 AM - 6:00 AM

Body Count: 49 (+13!)

Sorry this is late but there was nothing to talk about aside from Jack setting the single season kill record.

I'll make this quick so we can forget this season ever happened.

Jack was right, everyone was wrong.

Jack killed 19 people with one clip.

Doyle's blind

Chloe's pregnant

Bill Buchanan, channeling Tony Almeida, goes from not being sure he can fly a helicopter to landing on an oil rig on the sea.

Bill and Karen Hayes are unemployed

Dragonslayer is still a snarky dick.

Josh proves he's Jack's son by getting the drop on Papa Bauer and shooting him

Jack lets Papa Bauer blow up with the chip on the oil rig

Jack ambushes Heller and gets his balls back

Jack says goodbye to Audrey.

Jack contemplates his future (or suicide).

Silent clock for the death of a popular show.

The End

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 4:00 AM - 5:00 AM/5:00 AM - 6:00 AM

24 Season Six: 3:00 AM - 4:00 AM

Body Count: 36 (+6)

For all the shit I talked about Jack's kills this season, he's on course to break Season Four record of 44 kills. Fingers crossed.

Big Trouble In Little CTU
So the Chinese grab Josh and leave to meet up with Cheng. Jack and Nadia come up with a plane to overtake their captors. While they are whispering, Chloe comes up to them like a high schooler saying "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Chloe really misses her alone time with Jack. With a well-placed headbutt, Jack sets off the attack. Morris tries to choke one of the captors from behind, Nadia busts out some nifty punches and Jack continues this season's penchant for creative kills by choking out head Chinese merc with his gun strap. Doyle and the rest of CTU show up in time to save Nadia from sharing Milo's fate. Jack wants to run after Josh. Nadia reminds him that he's still under arrest. He ignores her. She accepts that. No one bothers to clean up Milo's body. Division shows up to make CTU look bad AGAIN. Blah Blah Blah

Russian Cocktail
Well, Mike Bishop, Russian spy, is no commercial break lover like President Logan last season as we rejoin this Dragonslayer and Secret Service team in the van waiting for Bishop and Aide Slore to finish up which leads to the funniest line of the season,"Aaaaand finally we're done!" Mark doesn't fall for the bait and the Aide tries to beat up the spy. Guess how that turned out? Anyway, Dragonslayer and team save her from being choked to death and force the spy to send the e-mails. Doesn't matter because Russkie Prez was having his spy monitored and knew the e-mails were fake (Question: Why aren't the Russkies out looking for Cheng if this chip is so fucking important). Presidnt Suvarov gives VP ODB two hours to secure the chip and provide proof or else: WAR! Then the VP sums up the absurdity of this entire season in one line: "We're about to go to war over a piece of circuitry." Indeed.

Chinese Take Out
So Doyle "leads" a team with Jack to recover Josh. "Lead" is in quotes because Jack does all the hard work. He kills his way to Cheng and saves Josh who keeps getting himself into Kim-like trouble. Cheng gets away but now has nothing to bargain with to get the chip from Papa Bauer (Question: How did Cheng even find Papa Bauer? Did he look him up in the Yellow Pages?) So Papa Bauer calls the Vice President (apparently on 24, it's not so hard to get someone in the White House on the phone). He offers to give them the chip in exchange for Josh. VP ODB agrees and Doyle snatches Josh from Bauer and flies off in a helicopter while an entire team of CTU agents holds back Jack. Good, NOW Jack has a reason to kill Doyle.

Bauer Moments to Remember:

• Jack choking out head Chinese merc with his own gunstrap
• During Jack's rescue of Josh, Jack does this amazing slide and shoot with his chicken legs.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 3:00 AM - 4:00 AM

24 Season Six: 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Body Count: 30 (+5)

Even when Jack doesn't go looking for trouble, trouble goes looking for Jack

Political Espinoge - The Skinemax Edition:
Let's get the stupid (or stupider) part out of the way. Dragonslayer and ODB get VP Aide Slore to call her snitch of a lover and tell him that they got the component back so that he can tell the Chinese. Then she's supposed to go over there and leave him alone with her PDA so he can go through it. So with Dragonslayer and some men in a van outside, Aide Slore tried to execute the plan but fails because snitch just wants to get laid and isn't letting her out of his sight. It was a comedy of error. So now they are probably having sex with Dragonslayer watching in the van after requesting for some privacy.

Assault at CTU (Part 4):
Audrey and Heller are gone (Thank God). Jack is still under arrest. Chloe decides that Marilyn needs to know all this information and see Jack so that she can hover over this dead relationship carcass like a vulture. Meanwhile, Chloe and Morris and Nadia and Milo are sorting out their love lives with Silver Spoons is doing the cliched "We're in the wrong place" thing in his hunt for Cheng.

Now this is how easy it is to infiltrate CTU. It wasn't even Cheng initial plan to break into CTU. This is something he put together (with outside help but still) in a little over an hour.

The Chinese mercenaries break in and start shooting. They ask who's in charge. Nadia freezes and Milo is like, "I'm in charge here". BAM! Bullet in the forehead. R.I.P. Milo. You died like you lived: trying to get laid. The security guard opens Jack cell before he gets shot. Jack takes his gun and killing time. The last thing you want to give Jack Bauer is home court advantage. You think Cheng might have warned them that Bauer was in the building. Jack saves Marilyn and Josh (side note: he continues to prove he's Bauer's son because he hasn't slept this entire day) and they realize the Chinese are after Josh. Jack helps Josh escape but him and Marilyn get captured as a result. Now, why the Chinese don't put a bullet in Jack's head right now is beyond me. He is sitting on the ground staring at them like a rabid dog. The head merc gets Josh to come back by threatening to kill Marilyn. I was hoping that Josh's pants would get caught on something and he would be too late to save her. Oh well. Then we realize that the Chinese were obtaining Josh for Papa Bauer(!) who is fixing the broken chip in exchange for Josh, the kid who he threatened to kill 8 hours ago or so.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

24 Season Six: 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

Body Count: 25 (0)

A mole, relationship problems during a crisis, conflict between CTU and Division, Jack beating up CTU guards, just another hour in CTU land...

White House Ho
Show surprise, there's a leak and it's in Lisa Miller's drawers. Apparently, VP ODB isn't the only person she's been sleeping with it. Far be it from me to judge her promiscuous ways but syhe just happens to be boning a guy who's linking intel to the Russian which allows them to find out about Cheng getting away with the chip. Little do they know, the chip is broken and now Cheng is looking for someone to fix it. Wait, isn't this how the day started? Morris better not go outside for a smoke break. Anyway, VP ODB tells the Dragonslayer his sob story of being a widower and his feelings for the traitorous slore. Boo hoo! Dragonslayer comes up with a plan to get Lisa to tell her booty call they found the chip so World War III won't have to start.

CTU Days of our Lives
After Nadia denied Morris of his transfer due to hurt feelings, he dumps Chloe with some now-trademark face touching. He leaves her crying and now she appears to be missing (Chinese?). Division sends a psychologist to deal with catatonic Audrey which Jack is being detained in another room. The doc, who probably has degrees and experience in this sort of thing, tells them that they are going to give her some drugs to try as get much information as possible, possibly killing her. I don't see a problem with this. Jack, who only has a degree in killing people with limited resources, thinks he can cure Audrey just by being Jack Bauer. Doyle in attempt to make the viewers like him sides with Jack and sets him loose on CTU and Division staff like a pit bull in a kindergarten class. He kidnaps Audrey, locks her in a room and eventually she says one word which helps give them a hint to where the Chinese might be.

Heller An Ending
Out of nowhere, Secretary of Defense (still?) Heller is at Audrey's bedside. Before he gets her out of there, he talks to Jack and tells her to stay away from his daughters, blaming Jack for her state and telling him that everything he touches dies. If that's true, Jack must have touched one too many writers this season.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

24 Season Six: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Body Count: 25 (+2)

Look like nobody is getting any tonight...

...except Vice President Psycho who has transformed into VP Ol' Dirty Bastard with his creepy line to his assistant Lisa, "Call the media, tell them the acting president's a dirty old man." Gross. Lisa is running home to get her ho bag. Who wants to bet that won't run smoothly.

Karen Hayes Isn't Getting Any...
Because Buchanan was responsible for releasing Fayed when he was in custody before he was anybody, Karen was forced to fire him to protect President Vegetable. It was genuinely sad because Bill has had the longest tenure of any CTU boss and Jack has even had the respect to never pull his gun on him. Which leads to...

Milo Isn't Getting Any...
Milo, who has been an employee of the government for at least seven years, got passed over (actually, not even considered) to be acting director of CTU for Nadia, who if memory serves correctly was a) under arrest and b) had her access limited due to her Muslim descent. Maybe is Milo spent more time focusing on his career and not trying to hook up with his co-workers, he might be somewhere in life. Tony waited until he was acting director to hit on Michelle. Speaking of CTU...

Chloe Isn't Getting Any...
It was good to see the old Chloe come out during her tiff with Morris. "How about don't arm nuclear bombs for terrorists?" As Kelso on That 70's Show would have said...

Jack Isn't Getting Any...
After Jack escapes Doyle, he changes location to a place that CTU can't track him and that he can safely blow himself and Cheng up with the chip. Everything is going according to plan. Jack gets Audrey and sends her up the road (but not before doing that creepy face touching thing he's been doing all season) and he's about to blow the place sky high and who fucks it up...

...that's right, Silver Spoons a.k.a. O'Doyle's, the non-alcoholic Bauer engages the Chinese which allows them to get away with the chip. Jack's under arrest but lo and behold, Audrey is batship crazy and is a couple of cats away from this...

Apparently, Audrey can't withstand a 1/10th of the torture Bauer can. Who's surprised by that.

No Bauer Moments To Remember

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

24 Season Six: 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Body count: 23

Jack is rogue and all is right with the world.

How the hell did the Chinese drop Jack Bauer off in Hour one and return with Audrey in Hour 17? Was she on the same plane as Jack? That's the only thing that makes sense. Anyway, considering all that he has put Jack through since Day 4 (forcing him to fake his death, kidnapping and torturing him for two years and kidnapping Audrey), it is safe to say that Cheng Zhi is Jack's true nemesis. Anyway, Jack's probably going to kill him like all his nemeses.

I own you, Mister Bauer

On to the show, Jack tries to steal the component for Chang with the help of Chloe (Shock surprise). It's almost laughable how easy it for Jack to convince Chloe to commit treason. unfortunately for Chloe, Morris, who's computer she used, is actually as smart as she is and figured it out pretty quickly forcing her to confess to Buchanon. Jack gets the part after using a Jedi Mind Trick on the two soldiers guarding the nukes (who takes someone WORD that they have a Presidential order to tamper with nukes?) but Silver Spoons stops him and he's put under arrest.

Jack asks to speak to the President who, let me remind you, is a Palmer so you know how this goes. Jack verbally beats Baby Palmer into submission (Mr. President, you OWE me!") to going along with his plan to destroy the chip before the Chinese can use it, even if it means blowing himself up in the process.

Now that the nukes are gone, the White House staff returns to the Oval Office. After Dragonslayer tells Baby Palmer about the attempted perjury, President Palmer asks for Vice President Psycho's resignation which he refuses. Then Baby Palmer with his new balls grown via shots of adrenaline, pretty much blackmails him into resigning which he's about to do after a private, creepy moment with his assistant Lisa. I half expected them to have sex on the couch so he could leave with a good memory. Of course, as the VP watches with resignation letter in hand, Baby Palmer assures the nation that the threat has passed and then like Robocop breaking one of his prime directive, he shorts out and collapses.

Guess who's President now?

His first order is of business: canceling Jack's stupid mission. I know from our perspective this seems mean but you know what, the Psycho is right! This si a stupid mission. What if Jack shows up and they put a bullet in his head an take the part off his corpse? Anyway, Buchanon tries to secretly tell Doyle to turn the car around so they can subdue Jack but Jack pulls a pistol on him. He lets Doyle out the car and drives off to save Audrey. That's right, Jack Bauer has gone ROGUE (again)

Bauer Moments to Remember:

• Bauer telling Doyle after he pulled the gun on him that I killed Curtis this morning from standing in my way, don't think I won't shoot you.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

24 Season Six: 10:00 PM - 11:00 PM

Body Count: 23 (+7!)

Silver Spoons summed it up best: "Damn, Jack!"

President Balls
Well, it seems the coma did Baby Palmer (or as Dave Barry refers to him, President Gary Payton) good. His nuke to Fakistan was a bluff to get them to give him some information and what do you know, they JUST SO HAPPEN discovered a general in their Fakistan who was supporting Fayed. Even Dragonslayer had to bow to Baby Palmer's wisdom although I don't know why BP didn't just say, "Don't worry. It's a bluff." He just wanted to fuck with him. He won't be able to enjoy it long because he's dying but doesn't want anyone to know. He's probably trying to get VP Psycho to resign first so that when he does keel over and die, someone else will be President. I just hope the Speaker of the House isn't Al Swearengen.

CTU=Boring
Please, somebody blow up CTU. Milo has gone from hero to sexual harasser in eight hours. How times have changed. What is his problem? Did he want Nadia to be like, "Are you hurt, Silver Spoons? Good I hope you die!" Again, where is Chloe? By the way, while I enjoyed CTU's ruse with Fayed and the fake rescue attempt, I have to ask, does CTU have a stable of Muslim improv actors ready to go at the drop of a dime? That plan came together a little to fast/

Time for some Jack-tion!

It was as if David Fury (writer for last night) and the producers remembered what it is people have come to expect from 24 and Jack Bauer: Absurd heroism. Silver Spoons will never be on Jack's level. At this point, he's not even at one-hand Chase's level. Anyway, I don't know what happened to turn Jack from "Stun" to "Kill" but it was what we have been waiting for since the nuke went off in hour four and he shot Curtis. From riding under a sanitation truck like a stagecoach in a cowboy movie ( and using one hand to make a cell phone call!) to that first kill where he swept the guards legs and broke his neck like he was opening a jar of pickles, you knew it was on. After his quick killing spree, my joy was quickly destroyed by a phone call from the Chinese and AUDREY! She's like Bauer's kryptonite. How did the Chinese know he was "done"? A bigger question, why did Fayed throw his gun at Jack like it was a 50's episode of Superman?

Dangling

• With seven hours left, here's a couple of plot threads that will probably be forgotten and unresolved:
• Where is Jack's father?
• Who was behind Baby Palmer's assassination attempt?
• Will Baby Palmer ever find out that the Dragonslayer and VP Psycho framed his assassination attempt on Al-Assad?
• Is former President Logan dead?
• Is Josh Bauer Jack's son?

Bauer Moments To Remember:

• Armed with a handgun and one clip, Bauer takes out seven armed terrorists (six with automatic weapons) without getting shot once.
• For the last kill, Bauer fights Fayed man to man. When Fayed thinks he has the upper hand, Bauer trips him, tied a chain around his throat and say, "Say hello to your brother" before he chokes him with the chain. Damn, Jack.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 10:00 PM - 11:00 PM

24 Season Six: 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

Body Count: 16 (+2)

The worst day in all our lives continues...

Featuring Special Guest Star Kiefer Sutherland
I kid. Jack was in this episode more than the past three episodes and he even got to use his gun. Can someone please explain to me a) how they conveniently had an ax around to cut of Gredenko's arm and/or b) what Gredenko's game plan was after they cut his arm off? He should have been passed out from shock if not dead right away. Did he just want to die on a beach bleeding to death like he did? Is that why he turned Fayed over to a bunch of American bar flies as opposed to Jack Bauer? We'll never know.

General Hospital a.k.a. Passions a.k.a. CTU
Where was Chloe? I don't care about Milo who apparently so busy sexually harassing Nadia that he allowed hackers to infiltrate CTU and frame Nadia. He so isn't getting any. Luckily for him, Silver Spoons covered it up just...because. Since we've been rehashing season two, can these please blow up CTU again?

The HNIC
I don't even know how to explain this bit. First, Baby Palmer went from being in a coma to being suited up in less than 10 minutes thanks to a shot of adrenaline. Then the VP challenges his presidency under the 25th amendment which apparently states any black President named Palmer can be removed from office for being a pussy. The vote ends in a 7-7 ties which like count outs in wrestling means the titles stays with Palmer but lo and behold, VP says he never officially recognized Karen returning so he says her vote doesn't count. The Dragonslayer says it's going to the Supreme Court. That creepy blond from Invasion offers to perjure herself so that the VP can win his case but the Dragonslayer has the room bugged which is about the 3rd crime he's committed today. Anyway, he convinces (forces) the VP to drop his case and Baby Palmer is President again. So how does he celebrate by launching the nuke the VP was going to launch ANYWAY! Come again?


Bauer Moments To Remember

• "Show me your head." We get a glimpse into the killing process of Jack Bauer.
• After Fayed yells to one of the bar patrons, "I hope he's dead!" in reference to one of the the guys in shot in the bar, Jack gives him a swift kick in the face

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

24 Season Six: 8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

Body count: 14

I think there was a gas leak in the writer's room this year.

Before I get into my recap, let me go on record that this is the worst season of 24 and regret that I chose this season to blog about. I tried to defend this season as long as I could but we are past the halfway mark and the episodes seem to be getting more and more unwatchable and it doesn't feel like we are building towards anything. Anyway, I'm praying that they turn this season around but I think we have crossed the point of no return.

Jack, Brian Krakow and Timmy! Save The Day

I'll show you Angela! I'll show EVERYONE!!!

Are we serious here? Apparently years after Brian Krakow was rejected by Angela on My So-Called Life, he turned to a life of selling out America to Russian terrorists with the help of his autistic brother who doesn't like red foods (Seriously, Who the fuck came up with that one?). Anyway, Krakow gets himself shot by Jack and another CTU agent who again missed his "taking prisoners" training. Jack then gets this autistic guy to trust him by telling him he's a cop (a cop who just shot your brother in front of you). Then he gets Krakow to get his autistic brother to help trap Gredenko. I almost wish he got shot so Jack would have that on his conscious too. The best part is when Jack tells Brady (the autistic guy) through the com link in his ear to a) pretend you can't hear me and b) duck when I tell you to because the actor is so engrossed in his role he decides that Brady would spend too much time grappling with A to do B. Also, I thought Jack had broken ribs? He ran across the street and shot that Russian pretty quickly. And who knew CTU had tranquilizers? I just thought they shot everyone and hoped they didn't die before getting the information they needed. Anyway, they got Gredenko and guess what? He wants a deal to help them catch Fayed.

One CTU Life To Live
So Nadia wasn't a mole. She now transfers from the list to CTU moles to the list of people accused of being moles at CTU. Silver Spoons to exonerate her from another friend, Johnson, who he helped out in "Denver" (every episode featuring Silver Spoons has had a mention to Denver and it only gets more annoying) but that friend tries to screw him over with Milo. Silver Spoons threatens Johnson who will probably be the victim of some friendly fire by season's end. I'm sorry, Silver Spoons is not threatening. Anyway, Milo tries to mend bridges with Nadia so he still has a chance to sleep with her. She tries to reject him and he awkwardly grabs the back of her hair violently (I'm sure they were going for passionate), pauses for a second and kisses her THEN apologizes for thinking she was guilty. I'm sorry, Milo and Nadia, but you are no Tony Almeida and Michelle Dressler.

Coma? What Coma?
So Daniels is intent on launching a nuclear weapon at the unnamed Middle East county that Fayed is from. So Karen Hayes conspires with Sandra Palmer (she's back1 Regina, fire your agent) to force Baby Palmer out of his coma which could lead to permanent brain damage so he could stop a nuclear attack right now. so what if he woke up, stopped the launch, then started drooling uncontrollably and made Daniels President for good? Well, it didn't come to that because in ten minutes they were able to wake up Wayne, get him up to speed on the situation and stop the attack. He was more decisive coming out of the coma than he was before he was almost blown up. So next week begins another Palmer tradition: being called unfit by your Vice President.

Bauer Moments To Remember: None

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

24 Season Six: 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Body Count: 12

Even though this is probably the worst season of 24 ever, there is one bright spot...

AUDREY RAINES IS DEAD!

I AM SO HAPPY!!!

Nothing against Kim Raver because I liked her in The Nine but I hated Audrey Raines.

"Jack I know you are on your way to save
the world but I think now is the best time
to talk about our feelings."

Anyway, on to the episode...

First of all, Milo, stop making googly eyes at my woman! Nadia doesn't want you. Besides she may be the seventh CTU mole in...six seasons. I love how everyone presumes that Milo is acting right because he's had some more alcohol (which Chloe disproved by laying one on him( but either a) Silver Spoons choked some sense into him or b) he's the real mole and just set up Nadia. He's the only one aside from Chloe with the skills to do it.

I don't understand why Jack is mad that no one told him Audrey was dead. When, Jack? When were they going to tell you? Right before you were going to sacrifice your life? "Hey Jack, before you get out the car and probably get killed, you should know Audrey died in China looking for you. Ok. See ya later." I shouldn't be mad. At least I got to SEE Jack. The producers are really screwing the pooch with this Jack-less season. This is like watching a Superman movie but we spend more time with Lois Lane and The Daily Planet and not even Lex Luthor but Otis and Miss Teschmacher . Actually, that's kinda what Superman Returns was like.

So Audrey's dead but Marilyn wastes no time going in for the kill. Jack dodged that kiss like a direct order from Division.

While in the Presidential bunker (do they really need to be in there? They know all the nukes are in California. It must smell in there.), Vice President Daniels must have dreamed his entire life what it would be like to have his finger on the button. Well, he's not going to let anyone ruin this dream for him. Not the Dragonslayer. Not Karen "Conservative Monkey Wrench" Hayes. Not Jack Bauer averting yet another nuclear explosion with his fancy Atari skills (I bet he could land the plane in Top Gun on the NES. I always sucked at that.). He is going to nuke that unnamed country no matter what. Time to wake up Baby Palmer. What's the point of waking him up? He'll wake up, say "no" to the nuke then fall into a coma giving Daniels complete control.

Bauer Moments To Remember: NONE (He only had 10 minutes of screen time to work with)

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

24 Season Six: 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Body count: 10

We finally reach double digits.

There's A New Sheriff In Town
Vice President Cy Tolliver has been President for a little over an hour and he's already a better President than Baby Palmer. Sure, he's dirty for framing Assad for the assassination attempt against Baby Palmer and then threating war against the unnamed country, but damn he is scary.


I'm still talking!
CTU & Silver Spoons
Nice to see Chloe being a bitch again even if it was to ex-President Logan. Enter Silver Spoons. He was immediately a dick especially to Milo. I wonder what happened in Denver. I didn't like him...until he choked Morris.

A Visit To Crazy Town
Super Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce returns...as First Lady Martha Logan's lover. I didn't need to know all that. I never want to see her feed him anything. Seriously, how did Jean Smart not win the Outstanding Supporting Actress Emmy? Anyway, I digress. How did Logan was best friends with the Russian president's wife, Anya, if they haven't spoken in two years? When Martha was talking to Logan about her and Aaron, she was two seconds away from saying, "Aaron has a bigger penis than you do, Charles. What do you think about that?" I swear that I had just written down via IM, "Martha looks like she could slit Logan's throat at any moment". Well, I was off by a couple of inches.

Adventures At The Russian Consulate
The biggest weakness of this season of 24 is there hasn't been enough Jack. Clearly, the Russians did not read Jack Bauer's file if they thought putting one guard on Bauer would be enough to contain him. Somehow, I don't think when the Russian president gave CTU permission to storm the consulate that he was giving Silver Spoon and crew the right to kill EVERY SINGLE RUSSIAN WHO WORKED THERE. Anyway, they freed Jack and now they know where to find Gredanko and Fayeed but guess what, too late!

Bauer Moments To Remember

• Before Vaseli could kill him, he takes the belt of a dead man, flings it up around Vaseli's wrist and gets the gum away from him

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM

24 Season Six: 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM

Body count: 7

This season is going to have the lowest body count in 24 history. No wonder fans are unhappy.

Boom in the Presidential Bunker:
Another year, another fairly successful assassination attempt. Assad’s dead and who is surprised? Baby Palmer isn’t and, again, who is surprised? I immediately liked the forcefulness that Powers Boothe brings as the acting president but as the producers sense that maybe we might like this guy over Baby Palmer, he immediately wants to frame Assad for Palmer’s assassination. Didn’t they have security camera in EVERY room? I mean, they WERE keeping the President of the United States there. And how naïve was Reed? You just clocked this guy over his head with a flashlight when he was getting ready to betray you but you have faith he will play ball now that the deed is done? I’m glad Lennox waited about 15 seconds to turn them in.

CTU2D2
They really are dependent on Jack, aren’t they? How did they function while he was in prison? Oh yeah, I forgot. That’s why they brought him back. Nice to see Karen Hayes caught with flight delays. They really didn’t do jack squat. They were just waiting for Jack to do something so they could react like, him getting caught by the Russian guards. Nice to see Buchanan take a play out of the Bauer handbook. WWJBD? Let’s not go through the proper channels. Let’s assemble a team to extract Jack from Russian territory. At least we were spared from Morris’ incessant whining.

Jack and Logan Sitting In A Limo
Where did Jack get that suit? I’m glad President Logan reminded Jack, “Hey, didn’t you just get back from a two year stint in a Chinese prison for doing the same thing? What are you an idiot?” I’m going to stop doing a kill count and start doing a torture count. You know what occurred to me? Jack Bauer has not been a paid employee of the U.S. government since the end of season four. Wasn’t that like 3-4 years ago in their world? What kind of pro bono work is this? So we FINALLY get a sense of Gredanko’s plan: Unmanned aerial drones with the nukes. Nice. I like a little originality. Now that jack has been captured, does anyone remember that President Douchebag is sitting in that limo by himself?

Bauer Moments To Remember:

• Jack cut off the Russian diplomats pinky finger with a cigar cutter. Who says torture doesn’t work?

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM

24 Season Six: 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

Body Count: 7

I hope Obama doesn't watch 24.

Presidential Bunker:
It's a shame that Baby Palmer got blown up just when he was starting to grow a pair. His conversation with the diplomat were the first signs of him acting presidential. Bauer getting him to release Logan even though he had his brother killed showed him acting like a true Palmer. I don't understand how they thought that bomb was going to kill the President when he wasn't even that close to it. Anyway, he's not dead. They had the balls to nuke Valencia but to kill two Black presidents would just be too much to handle. And Lennox proved that only Jack Bauer can escape from being duct tape to a pipe. Jack should teach at The Learning Annex.

Fayed, Gredenko and The Nukes:
I have no idea what's going on here but these bad guys suck.

CTU:
It would be nice if everyone acted with the urgency that three nukes should bring. Just when I thought, "Finally, someone in the show takes a dump," it ends up Morris was drinking in the stall. I'm beginning to miss Edgar's lisp ("Chwoe?"). Nice pointless cameo by Bart Simpson as Morris former AA sponsor. By the way, I haven't mentioned this so far this season but I would like to thank the producers and casting directors of 24 for filling the void left Reiko Aylesworth (Michelle Dessler).

Nadia, I will always note your objection

Bauer and Logan:
I'm glad we are done with the Bauer family. If I had to endure one more inapproriate Bauer face stroke, I was going to puke. It was great to get back to the great acting of Gregory Itzin but they filmed the showdown between Jack and Logan like a Spanish telenovela. I was kind of annoyed that Logan and Jack took their sweet ass time getting ready to go. Another day, another communist consulate. Second times a charm. Oh wait. It's third. Jack's in trouble again.

No Bauer moments to remember but I hope I can forget the creepy face stroking.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

24 Season Six: 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM

Body Count: 7

If I wanted to see all this family drama, I would be watching General Hospital

Presidential Bunker:

DAMMMN, Lennox! You got knocked DA FUCK out!!!

So while Lennox has a change of heart (I guess it would be awkward to have a 10 minute meeting with someone then facilitate their murder) and gets a flashlight to the head for it, Baby Palmer inches closer and closer to his death. Where's Super Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce when you need him?

Fayed and The Nuclear Bomb:
Well, while Jack is all distracted by his personal problems, Fayed is driving around with three nukes and no one has the faintest clue where he is and no one seems to care. For a second, I was glad to see CTU can operate a mission without Jack but then Dmitri Gredenko (a.k.a Boris the Bullet Dodger from Snatch) got away so I guess it's always a bad move. Curtis is already missed.

CTU:
Chloe might want to give Milo a second movie date because it appears you chose wrong. Milo took a bullet for his country and Morris gargled some whiskey. Yawn, why is Morris getting so much camera time? I'm already bored.

Bauer Family Values:
Ok, Marilyn, make up your mind. Do you a) want to save your son Josh or b) sleep with Jack? Because you seem to be flip-flopping. Jack is on full tease mode. Slowly strapping on her bullet proof vest, telling her how to shoot, I guess in Jack's mind, that counts for foreplay. Anyway, after plotting to kill his son for the first quarter of the season, when he has him unarmed and on his knees, Papa Bauer pulls a Batman and disappears silently while Jack pours his heart out to Daddy. Anyway, this led to the moment we hope can redeem this season, the return of President Douchebag.

Bauer Moments To Remember:

• Jack giving Marilyn the "Don't Lie To Me!!!" choke hold
  
• Jack saying to his father, "I want you to know I never wanted you to feel like I had turned my back on you, that I had turned my back on the family" while he had his back turned to him

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM

24 Season Six: 1:00pm - 2:00pm / 2:00 PM - 3:00 PM

Body Count: 5 (not counting the people Jack led into a trap...again)

Papa Bauer's evil knows no bounds

Jack, I am your father.

Presidential Bunker:
It seems we can't have a Palmer presidency without either a) an assassination attempt or b) a coup. Fortunately for Baby Palmer, it appears he's getting a two-fer. Is it wrong that I kinda hope they succeed? Nothing against Baby Palmer but if I had to chose between Baby Palmer and Powers Boothe, well...HIS NAME IS POWERS BOOTHE, C'MON! I did enjoy Lennox's little "I quit" tantrum.

Fayed and The Nuclear Bomb:
Once again, 24 shows us that torture can work. Fayed apparently went to the same terrorist camp that Marwan from Season Five came from or maybe he read his book, "How To Escape Bauer", because that little tunnel was straight out of the Marwan playbook. Rita was an idiot if she thought they were going to hand her 7 million, then again so was McCarthy. Morris proves that when push comes to shove (more like when drill comes to shoulder), the British will not die for innocent Americans, they'll only "wish they were dead".

CTU:
We already covered Morris being a limey wimp. Chloe had the best line of the night: "I'm really glad Fayed didn't kill you this morning." I'm glad Buchanon was willing to adjust the report to Division. He's grown so much from his auspicious beginnings as the guy who was sleeping with Michelle while Tony was getting drunk watching soccer. And I really underestimated Milo. I thought he was a dead man but he was quite resourceful in the field. Still no mole but there's still time.

The Bauer Bunch:
With the exception of Josh, everyone seemed to take the fact that Graem was dead pretty well. Jack pretty much admitted he wanted him dead. Marilyn treated it as as afterthought and wasted no time shining those blue eyes at Jack. If everything goes according to his plan (which it won't), Papa Bauer will have:

• Killed his two sons (but not before guilting one into believing he killed the other)
• Killed the President of the United States (or at least his "company" will)
• Kidnapped his grandson.

Also, if it wasn't clear enough, Josh has to be Jack's son. He has the Bauer hostage gene that is so dominant in Kim. Plus, he has a sense for being lied to. Too bad he doesn't have the Sutherland acting gene. Next week, Marilyn feels the five fingers of Jack around her throat. Good, because the last thing Jack needs is another woman who wants to talk about him about feelings in the midst of a crisis. Papa Bauer admitted too much on the phone with Marilyn. Now Jack will have all the information he needs to not need therapy after committing patricide.

Bauer Moments To Remember:

• Two kills with the shotgun. Another first for Bauer. I feel like the writers went into a gun shop and said "What hasn't Jack killed someone with?"
• Jack defuses a nuclear bomb and handles Chloe's general personality disorder without sweating (unlike Chloe who looked like she needed to change her shirt
• The digust in his voice when he admonished Morris for building Fayed a functional device. Jack cannot comprehend human beings who would rather die than help terrorists. Morris is ruined for life. Poor Chloe. Tat man will never have an erection again without the help of Levitra.
• The moment when Jack walks back into CTU and everyone stops like they just saw God. Like, "Oh my God, he's DOES exist!"

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 1:00pm - 2:00pm / 2:00 PM - 3:00 PM

24: Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Continue reading 24: Aqua Teen Hunger Force

24 Season Six: 12:00pm - 1:00pm

Body Count: 3

Advantage Bauer

Papa Bauer, that is.

That'll do, Graem. That'll do.

I knew something was fishy when he shot that guy unarmed so Jack couldn't ask him any questions.

Oh, Graem, we hardly knew you.

But you shouldn't have been so afriad to die. Confessing to Jack that you were behind the deaths of Palmer, Tony and Michelle was as much of a suicide attempt as slitting your wrists.

I was about to say 24 jumped the shark when it appeared Morris' brother was a victim of the nuclear fallout which would have made him the third CTU techie to have a family member killed by terrorist act (Adam, who went on to play Sylar in Season Three lost his sister to the virus and Edgar in Season Four lost his mother to the fallout from the nuclear plant meltdown). Luckily for me, that was not the case. Unfortunately for Morris, he's about to experience some torture.

Appears that the President has gotten his balls back but it also appears we have yet another duplicitous Vice President.

Also, the return of Agent Burke and the interrogation case!!!

On to the Bauer moments:

• Good to see some Father & Son killing. For them, it's like going fishing.
• Apparently, Jack's ability to protect people is well known in his family circle
• Jack to Graem: "I'm going to kill you my way! 8 CCs!!!"
  
• Papa Bauer pretty much put Jack on timeout with that look when he was about to kill Graem.
  

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 12:00pm - 1:00pm

24 Season Six: 11:00am - 12:00pm

Body Count: 2 (sigh...still)

I don't know how much longer I can watch without a Bauer kill

I guess now I have to specify that I mean a JACK Bauer kill as Graham "Bluetooth" Bauer has vicariously added to CTU agents to his own kill count.

Advantage Bluetooth.

And in the bunker, The Dragonslayer adds Karen Hayes to his career kill count.

HAND IN YOUR RESIGNATION, KAREN

I don't understand how Wayne Palmer got elected president with a bad ass like Powers Boothe as his vice president.

We were denied any good Bauer moments has Jack's torture and emasculation of his brother was pretty much kept off camera.

Step it up, people.

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 11:00am - 12:00pm

24 Season Six: 10:00am - 11:00am

Body Count: 2

Here's the story of a man named Bauer,
Who was busy with two boys of his own,
They were three men, killing all together,
Yet they were all alone.



These are the days of our lives:

• I think the radiation transformed the p*ssy from the first four hours into the Jack Bauer who can kill 12 men in 10 minutes.
  
• Jack Bauer. CTU agent and Rescue 911.
  
• HOLY SHIT! Jack's brother is the leader of the Bluetooth cabal!!! His own brother tried to frame him for President Palmer's murder AND tried to have him killed.
  
• Annnnnnd now we know why...Graham's wife got sloppy Bauer seconds. This is like The Count of Monte Bauer.
  
• Jack was clearly slumming with Audrey and Kate Warner.
• Hm. Josh looks more like Jack.....uh oh.
• Graham did not inherit the Bauer chin.
• Jack Bauer is not his brother's keeper.
• Are there still warnings on plastic bags about suffocating? if so, Jack Bauer just ignored them.
  

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 10:00am - 11:00am

24 Season Six: 8:00am - 9:00am/9:00am - 10:00am

Body Count: 2

President Wayne Palmer, don't run for re-election.



This is the event they have been teasing since Day Two.

It finally happened.

In hour four, no less...

Not many favorite Jack Bauer moments:

• Carjack Bauer: "Don't get up!"
  
• Curtis?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Still...nice shot! The ghost of Tony Almeida should have come down and warned Curtis.
  

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 8:00am - 9:00am/9:00am - 10:00am

24 Season Six: 6:00am - 7:00am/7:00am - 8:00am

Body Count: 1



Wow. Let's add to the legacy of Bauer, shall we?

• Makes his first kill by BITING HIS JUGULAR but having the foresight to hold his neck long enough grab the keys to his cuffs
• During a struggle with a suicide bomber on a subway, he pulls his tie around the poll and pulls his head into it.
  
• Kicks the aforementioned suicide bomber out the back to the subway car (It doesn't count as a Bauer kill because the bomber pressed the detonator)
  

Continue reading 24 Season Six: 6:00am - 7:00am/7:00am - 8:00am

The Best of 24 so far...

In honor of Season Six, here are my favorite 24 moments so far...

The last thing a terrorist sees before
he wakes up from a nightmare

Day One:
- When Nina tells him that Kim is dead and Jack goes all psycho on the Drazen killing seven men including the Drazens, saving a clip for Victor Drazen himself.

Day Two:
- "I'm gonna need a hacksaw"
- When he pretended to kill Syed Ali's kids
- Jack dies for the first time
- While having a coronary event, Jack still manages to kill Kingsley's attack team including one with a Matrix-like off the wall neck break.

Day Three:
- Jack: You don't have any more useful information, do you?
Nina: I do...
Jack: No, you don't.
*Shoots Nina three times*
- When Jack emasculates Stephen Saunders by threatening to put his daughter into the infected hotel.
- When Jack decides that instead of using the ax to cut the chain off Chase's wrist, he would relieve Chase of one of the hands he uses to touch Kim behind his back. At least, that is how I interpreted it.

Day Four:
- When Jack shows the new CTU team how interrogations were done in his day by shooting the prisoner in the thigh.
- When Jack kills 10-12 (I forget the exact count) in 10 minutes to rescue Secretary Heller. Unfortunately, Audrey survives too.
- Jack tortures Audrey's husband, Paul, then gets him tortured, then Paul takes a bullet for Jack (even though he's wearing a vest...dumbass), THEN forces by gunpoint the doctor operating on Paul to stop and work on the Chinese informant he just abducted from Chinese consulate which leads to Paul's death. Paul only knew Jack for 10 hours.
- When Jack walks off into the sunset like Bill Bixby in The Incredible Hulk.

Day Five:
- "Let's get one thing straight, kid. The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you. Now get in the van."
- Jack avenges Palmer's assassination the only way he knows how - in cold blood.
- Jack gets his MacGyver on and blows up a terrorist through his cell phone.
- Jack to Walt Cummings: “You have read my file, you know I will cut out your right eye, then cut out your left eye, and keep cutting until I get what I want"
- Jack shoots Robocop's wife in the leg.
- We learn that every CTU agent is given a PDA memory card that can self-destruct like Mission:Impossible messages.
- Jack interrogation of Audrey. Unfortunately, she was innocent.
- Jack trains a lowly Navy solider how to kill Bauer-style via cell phone.
- Jack tricks Robocop with the old empty clip trick and kills another unarmed man who had it coming.
- Jack kidnaps the President of the United States. Is there anything he can't do?

What have I missed?

Continue reading The Best of 24 so far...

What I've Learned: Jack Bauer

From Esquire Magazine



WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Jack Bauer
Counterterrorism Expert, Los Angeles
By Nicole Ranadive and Matt Michnovetz

Fuck diplomacy.

Actions speak louder than words. Though shouting can also be effective.

If you shoot a man's wife in the knee and he still doesn't give you the information, he's bad.

Revenge is the cruelest trick. I've seen it taken out on others, I've been victim to it, I've even done it myself. But it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't bring comfort.

Trust is the key to survival. And by trust, I mean getting out of the way and letting me do what I need to do.

The only thing harder than racing to stop a madman from releasing a deadly virus that will kill thousands of people is doing it while simultaneously trying to kick heroin.

I've been beaten, kidnapped, gassed, and shot at, but the most terrifying thing I've ever been through was facing my daughter after I made her believe I was dead.

I eat a lot of bananas. They're a good source of vitamin B and potassium. They're also easy to take on the move.

Love is a privilege.

If you have to trust someone, make it a quirky computer genius.

If I say "dammit," either something bad just happened, something bad is about to happen, or I'm going to do something drastic.

Any man can make a mistake. It's what he does to remedy that mistake that shows his character.

You better know who you are before you go undercover. If you don't, you could easily lose yourself.

Always carry at least one spare fully charged cell-phone battery.

So many times when I thought there was no more time, there was.

When interrogating a suspect, I've often found it effective to ask the question loudly and repeat it several times.

Remember, terrorists use the phone as much as we do.

In the event of a highway landing, always fasten your seat belt and return your chair and tray table to their upright and locked positions.

It's all key cards and thumb drives these days.

If the president of the United States ever orders you to shoot your boss in the head at point-blank range in cold blood, take a deep breath, ask God to forgive you, and just do it.

Without conscience, a man becomes his worst enemy.

Sometimes it's necessary to create a believable diversion, even at the risk of others thinking you're an asshole.

A cell phone can sometimes be used to activate a secondary detonator on a terrorist's explosive vest regardless of how many minutes are left on your plan.

Dead terrorists can often be effectively used as human shields. So can live ones.

Bureaucrats want results but never want to get their hands dirty.

The safety of the people I love is worth any sacrifice. Even their trust.

Some people don't deserve to die, but that's not my call.

Serbs have a different word for everything.

If you don't have a Taser gun, the wires from a lamp will deliver the current needed to shock your subject just enough to get him to give up the information you need without doing any permanent damage.

Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

You can't save everyone.

If you see me running down the street, it's probably a good idea to take cover.

Don't piss off the Chinese.

Nicole Ranadive is the staff writer of 24. Matt Michnovetz is the show's story editor.

Continue reading What I've Learned: Jack Bauer

Finally...

Justice






Equally awesome...



Too bad no one from Lost was there.

I know, I know, get over it.

Continue reading Finally...

Fox's "24" = Right Wing Propaganda

C'mon, the writing is on the wall.

Think of all the rights and liberties we've lost or been threatened.

warrants? Wiretapping? Torture?

Jack Bauer breaks them for shits and giggles.

And we cheer!

Plus, it's on FOX.

(Please note: Arrested Development, which occasionally took shots at the Bush Administration, is constantly having its episode orders cut despite the fact that The War At Home and Stacked are also on the channel)

Fuck it.

I still love it though.

January 15th can't come soon enough.

Continue reading Fox's "24" = Right Wing Propaganda

The Jack Bauer Killing Hour

This is my brief dedication to one of the greatest and most efficient killers prime-time television has ever seen...Jack Bauer.

Now, I didn't see the first season of 24, a fact that I am now embarassed to admit.

But my friend, Erwin, pressed and pressed and pressed until I watched the second season and I was immediately hooked.

That's how it happens.

You cannot watch this show and not get hooked.

You will reaarange your schedule to make sure you see it.

Your gym schedule will become Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

But this season in particular has put 90% of the action movies released in the last 5 years to shame.

First of all, in the course of 13 hours, I am roughly estimating that Bauer has killed almost 25 people.

One person.

It's insane.

Monday's episode featured a team of 20 mercenaries against Jack, Jack's girlfriend's ex-husband who's fingers were broken, and two Middle Eastern gun shop owners.

Who do you think won?

It actually wasn't even close.

The other three combined for 2-3 kills.

Jack. 9.

Seriously, how are you not watching this show?

Continue reading The Jack Bauer Killing Hour