MeLOVEism, Part IV

The saga continues courtesy of Tasha:

Does intense passionate love truly last in long term relationships (long term being more than 10 years)?
No it doesn't. Imagine how creepy that would be. Two people constantly thinking about one another, fucking like rabbits when they got home from work, being all schmoopie with each other for 10 years. How would they accomplish anything in life? Who would take care of the children? Who would want to be around that kind of couple? Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. You can have intense passionate moments which are better because they stand out in the monotony of a long-term relationships.


Do men and women truly love differently? And does one gender love 'harder' than the other?
Men and women do love differently but I wouldn't say one loves "harder" than the other. It really varies from person to person. People have a tendency to think that the way they love is the way everyone should love. So when their partner doesn't love them in their way, they take it as not being loved as much as they love their partner. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone not named Sean.

Is the concept of romantic love as we know it
a. a concept manufactured by advertisers and writers?
b. a purely chemical reaction?
Love is a chemical, emotional and psychological reaction that would happen to a person who lived under a rock for their entire life, never having seen a movie, read a book or heard a trite ballad. However, how one is expected to act in a relationship tends to be "manufactured by advertisers and writers." They sold us on flowers and diamonds and cards and mixtapes as expression of love. I would love to live in a world where two people loving each other and spending time together is all that mattered in a relationship but alas, too many women have seen Pretty Woman. Personally, whoever does ads for Kay Jewelers should be hung from their ankles and have frustrated husbands throw rocks at them.


Do you think a man's current proclivity for distancing sex from emotion and woman's tendency to attach of emotion with sex nature or nuture?
It's too prevalent in my gender to not consider it nature but their is a nuture element. How old are boys before they first hear about love and relationships? When they pull all the girls out of 4th grade to talk about their periods, the boys should be made to watch High Fidelity.

Thanks, Tasha.

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part IV

MeLOVEism, Part III

Round Three courtesy of Sheila

Can you ever say "I love you" too much?
It depends why and how you say it. If you say to the point that it's commonplace (like the end of a phone conversation) than it's never too much. But some people say it with a certain level of fear like every time they say it is supposed to be a reminder. "Remember when you go out into a space that I'm not with you that I love you and you are supposed to love me so don't do anything that compromises that. Don't leave me!" You can tell when there's a hint of desperation in an "I love you" and it's really fucking creepy.


Can a couple ever have a successful relationship following a "break" (a la Friends)?
It depends why the couple broke up. If they broke up over a fight that wasn't an underlying issue throughout the relationship, just anger, then yes. But if the couple broke up over an issue in the relationship that wasn't resolved, something like key beliefs on marriage and children, then they probably shouldn't get back together unless one person truly has a change of heart. How often does that happen (without therapy)? If you decided a long time ago you don't want kids, what would it take for you to want kids? When people who break up over big issues get back together, they go under the same haze people just start dating are under that everything is fine but eventually the issue creeps back up. Hopefully, you're not already married when it does.


Do soulmates exist?
Yes, they exist. Doesn't mean you're supposed to date them. Whoever you consider your best friend - regardless of gender - is one of many soulmates in your life.


Can "Momma's boys" ever love their significant other more than their mothers?
It depends what kind of momma's boy they are. If they are the kind that loves their mother because she's their best friend and they talk about everything, probably not but that's okay. The love he has for you and her aren't in conflict. If they are the kind of momma's boy who's mother did everything for them and babied them throughout their life, you DON'T want them to love you more than their mother because that means he thinks you have taken over the babying part. Plus, the mothers of those types of guys are particularly horrible to deal with.


Are bars actually conducive to meeting "relationship material" people?
Only if you list under your interests "dressing up to get drunk." Seriously though, you can meet "relationship material" people anywhere. It's just a matter of sifting through all the "one night stand" material people and the "I'm subconsciously looking for a rebound" people and the "I'm here every night" people and the "I seem like relationship material but I'm really batshit crazy KOO KOO KACHOOO" people. It's not necessarily a needle in a haystack but it definitely feels that way.


Will Britney Spears ever find true love?
Who's to say she hasn't? Hasn't her behavior over the last year proven that Kevin Federline was truly a soulmate?

Thanks Sheila!

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part III

MeLOVEism, Part II

Well, I didn't expect to already get some questions to answer.

This session is courtesy of Cindy.

How do you recapture the initial spark and "swoony" feelings? If it feels gone, is it just gone?
I personally think when it's gone, it's gone. That's why it's a spark and not an all-encompassing fire. You can recapture it in small moments by doing or receiving something totally unexpected for/from your love but something that only they'd/you'd appreciate and if they/you explained it to someone else, they might not understand the meaning.


Can you be friends with your ex? If so, what's the incubation period?
You can be friends with your ex but, like planting crops, it has to be under optimal conditions:

1. If possible, you probably shouldn't speak or associate with one another for a year minimum. Two years is optimal. Therefore when you do speak to each other, enough will have gone on in your life that the only thing you can think to talk about is when you were together.
2. Hopefully, you've both had relationships (or at least "relations") prior to being friends. It's easier when they aren't last person you did anything with.
   
3. You have to pretend like you never dated. I can't stress this one enough. When you speak, you never speak of things you did together. You never "Remember when..." about anything you guys did as a couple. If a story calls for you to recall this period in time, you treat as something you guys did as friends, not as a couple. The fact is no matter how much time has passed between you, the end of a relationship bothered one party more than the other.

How long should you be dating someone before you try to give it a label? Put in a another way, how long do you have to wait to have the status of the relationship conversation?
When you achieve "Last Call" status with one another. "Last Call" status means that if you are both at home at a reasonable hour, you are each the last person the other talks to before they go to bed. If one of you is out late, you send a "good night" text. You smile as you send it. They smile when they receive it (even if they were already asleep and kinda pissed the phone woke them up until they see it's you). When you are doing that for more than 2-3 weeks, it's time to have the talk.


How does sex change a relationship and "make things different"? Are there variations by gender?
Seeing anyone naked changes your relationship. Sex or no sex, once you see someone naked, you can never take it back (unless you gain or lose a whole lot of weight). I think women take sex in the relationship more seriously than men. Like it's the natural progression of a the relationship while men have more of a tendency to be like "Well, it's about time."


How do you get him to do the nice things he did when you first started seeing each other?
Do the nice things you did when you first started seeing each other. Hopefully, he'll reciprocate. If that doesn't work, randomly mention things he used to do like, "Remember when you..." And if that doesn't work, either you'll have to get it into his head that you're not a SURE thing (which is why he did those nice things in the first place) or you'll just have to live with the things he does everyday. It's good practice for marriage.

Thanks Cindy!

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part II

MeLOVEism, Part I

So I was reading some of my OLD posts and realized I don't theorize about love and relationships anymore. My favorite thing about this blog was to write thoughts and theories about love and relationships. What you think before you are in a relationship and what you think during a relationship are two TOTALLY different things. I just wanted proof that I didn't think love and relationships were all fun and games.

Anyway, I want to tap that part of my brain again but I'm lacking in inspiration. So I'm reaching out to you,my 5-7 semi-occasional readers, for questions for me to answer.

So leave me a comment or shoot me an e-mail.

For starters, the lovely Navani has agreed to ask me some questions for me to answers:

Do you think the idea of a rebound is universal for both women and men?
I think the idea of a rebound is universal for men and women but I think they approach it differently. I think guys have more of a tendency to hook up with someone to try to get the ex "out of their system." They actively seek out the rebound. Women actually date and have relationships with guys before they even realize that he's the rebound guy.


Who should initiate communication between a man and a woman? Does it matter? Are there still rules regarding this?
I don't think it SHOULD matter but it does. In a perfect world, people would approach the people they are interested it - years of social programming be damned. But some guys are scared by the kind of girls who would approach them and some girls will NEVER approach a guy and why should they?


Can booty calls ever really turn into real relationships?
My initial reaction was "No. Never. Never Ever." But you know what? You never know. Eventually, the booty caller and the booty have to have some post-coital conversations. Maybe they'll have some inside jokes. Learn something about each other's personal life. Next thing, you know, you get a phone call at 1 PM...


When is too soon to say you love someone? is there a too soon?
Yes, there is a "too soon." I understand the desire to tell someone the second you feel it but you should hold off until you are at least 85% certain they feel the same way. It's about letting your relationship grow at a comfortable pace. If you tell someone too soon, it creates a countdown of sorts: The How-Many-Days-From-Me-First-Saying-'I-Love-You'-To-You-Reciprocating Countdown.


Can you have a successful relationship with someone that maybe you have no sparks with but is a really great person otherwise...and offers you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship
Yes, you can a successful relationship with a really great person who you don't feel the romantic spark for. It's called a friendship.

Thanks for playing, Navani. Hopefully, you won't be the last.

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part I

Random Thought

Why do women's favorite romantic movies always seem to involve the main female character cheating on her current spouse (usually fiancé)? It's actually worse now because in the 80's/90's, the guy would be some überjerk possibly abusive. Now it's just some nice guy who made the foolish choice of going to her house for Christmas and then one week later, he's riding the bus home with a diamond ring burning a soul-searing hole in his pocket.

If I had a girl and her favorite movie was The Notebook, I would be Lord Concernicus, ruler of all the lands in the Concernia Empire.

I think asking "So do you have some true love back in your hometown I should be aware of" should be added to the list of questions you should ask before getting serious about someone.

Continue reading Random Thought

Alone Again Or

Yeah, I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
You know that I could be in love with almost everyone
I think that people are
The greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight my dear
- "Alone Again Or" by Love

So I think I have crossed a line where I have been single so long, I can't imagine being with anyone.

So this month will make it three years that I have been unencumbered with the wants and needs of another human being that isn't of my blood single*.

This is generally what happens to me. I go through long spells between relationships (Before my last relationship, it had been four years). But this time feels different because I no longer feel open to the idea of having a girlfriend.

I know this is kinda pathetic but I've gotten used to being selfishly concerned with my own wants.

I've gotten used to having time to doing the things I want to do and not having to do stuff I have no interest in doing. I've probably only seen a handful of bad chick flicks in the theater and most of those were by choice.

I like always being available to go out or to stay in. I love never having to ask "Well, what do you want to do/want to eat"

I don't know if I can see myself dating some which what cut into all this "me" time I'm used to.

Is it a lonely life I lead? Maybe. I have friends. I have stuff to do. I never find myself thinking, "I'm lonely". More likely, I'm thinking "I'm bored".

And I do bore myself a lot but at least it is a victimless crime.

I'm not a blind idiot. I know all it will take is one pair of pretty eyes, one kiss or one acquaintance to go left instead of right to make me renounce this post as the work of a ghostwriter.

That's why this will be the first post I delete when that happens.

* Just kidding, future love of my life.

Continue reading Alone Again Or

Happy Singles Awareness Day

Go watch Fight Club tonight or something...

Continue reading Happy Singles Awareness Day

The Rules of Courtly Love

I was reading an article about The Magnetic Fields' opus, 69 Love Songs, and the author mentioned Andreas Capellanus' Rules of Courtly Love from De Amore (written in the 12th Century).

What do you think? Was he wrong?

1. Marriage should not be a deterrent to love.
2. Love cannot exist in the individual who cannot be jealous.
3. A double love cannot obligate an individual.
4. Love constantly waxes and wanes.
5. That which is not given freely by the object of one's love loses its savor.
6. It is necessary for a male to reach the age of maturity in order to love.
7. A lover must observe a two-year widowhood after his beloved's death.
8. Only the most urgent circumstances should deprive one of love.
9. Only the insistence of love can motivate one to love.
10. Love cannot coexist with avarice.
11. A lover should not love anyone who would be an embarrassing marriage choice.
12. True love excludes all from its embrace but the beloved.
13. Public revelation of love is deadly to love in most instances.
14. The value of love is commensurate with its difficulty of attainment.
15. The presence of one's beloved causes palpitation of the heart.
16. The sight of one's beloved causes palpitations of the heart.
17. A new love brings an old one to a finish.
18. Good character is the one real requirement for worthiness of love.
19. When love grows faint its demise is usually certain.
20. Apprehension is the constant companion of true love.
21. Love is reinforced by jealousy.
22. Suspicion of the beloved generates jealousy and therefore intensifies love.
23. Eating and sleeping diminish greatly when one is aggravated by love.
24. The lover's every deed is performed with the thought of his beloved in mind.
25. Unless it please his beloved, no act or thought is worthy to the lover.
26. Love is powerless to hold anything from love.
27. There is no such thing as too much of the pleasure of one's beloved.
28. Presumption on the part of the beloved causes suspicion in the lover.
29. Aggravation of excessive passion does not usually afflict the true lover.
30. Thought of the beloved never leaves the true lover.
31. Two men may love one woman or two women one man.

Continue reading The Rules of Courtly Love

...But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

After reading an acquaintance's blog yesterday (when I should have been working on something), I decided that I was going to list all the qualities I look for in a woman.

So I gave it some thought on the train while listening to my iPod and reading my first pocket book of Strangers in Paradise (after finishing the first this morning, I immediately ordered parts 2 & 3).

Then I gave it some more thought this morning while listening to Lewis Taylor and...

...I don't know.

I know what I've had, what I've loved and what I've hated.

But I don't know what I need in my life right now.

The "me" who was in a relationship a year or so ago doesn't exist anymore.

Like certain animals who periodically shed their skin, I have a tendency to shed skin after every relationship.

There are certain consistencies but certain things that have definitely changed.

I'm a much more openly geek than I used to be.

I like to be alone more.

I rarely talk on the phone unless it is for confirmation of plans.

I used to be die-hard about looking for people who I had a bunch of things in common (favorite movies, TV shows, restaurants, brand of soap, etc.) because I still think there isn't anything more fun than sharing a passion with someone.

But now I find myself attracted to be people I have little to nothing in common with.

I guess the whole point of this was that I realized this morning that I don't know what this "me" (Version 4.0) really wants in a woman anymore.

The only thing all we can agree on is that I have to think she is funny and (harder of the two) she needs to think I am funny. Because I am going to make a lot of bad jokes and if you are not even slightly amused, we might as well skip dessert and I'll just drive you home.

Continue reading ...But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Happy "I Don't Have To Buy Anyone A Present" Day

Continue reading Happy "I Don't Have To Buy Anyone A Present" Day

Flank 2 Position

The new code word for all bar/club/lounge/party situations when you are talking to someone who you don't want to be talking to and you need a rescue.

Mark my words.

Continue reading Flank 2 Position

No Dates On My Calendar

So with my new apartment and all my bills (Electric, Cable, Car Insurance, College Loans, etc.), i came to realization that...I can't afford a girlfriend.

I don't even think I can afford to date anyone.

Yeah, I know there are cheap dates you can go on but eventually, even I will get tired of the park or the beach or of Blockbusters.

Also, I like to give gifts so eventually I would spend money I don't have on a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. I don't want to be one of those guys who has those dats circled in red with an "Oh Shit" written on the calendar.

I could get a second job but when would I have time to date.

I guess I need to find someone who is either rich or has an unusual medical condition that only allows her to eat Ramen noodles and items of Wendy's dollar menu. It would help if she does not celebrate pagan/Hallmark holidays (taking care of all December holidays and Valentine's Day), does not believe in the concept of "time" (eliminating the need for birthday and anniversaries) and who's favorite movies I already own and is content to watch them over and over again...

Am I asking for too much?

Continue reading No Dates On My Calendar

The Commitment Lot

Now, I am not one of those guys who have commitment issues.

Actually, I am the exact opposite. I am pro-commitment.

I don't understand people who have commitment issues.

Until today...

I was at the parking lot of Walmart driving around looking for a good spot.

When I thought I found one, I parked and started walking towards the store.

And of course, there were at least three spots that opened up the second I parked.

I was annoyed but I let it go.

Then I went to IKEA and the same thing happened.

This time, it was the PRIME spot that opened up after I parked.

I screamed "DAMNIT" like I was Jack Bauer.

Then I was like, "ooooohh, now I get it."

Continue reading The Commitment Lot

There will never be equality between men and women

You know why?

Because there are no $10 clothing stores for men.

Because a pair of shoes that costs a dude $10 looks like it cost $5.

It's just not right.

Continue reading There will never be equality between men and women

Craiglist Virgins

When I hear about people who bought furniture like couches and mattress and futons all willy nilly, I always cringe. I'll only sit on the edges.

Who was the person you bought it from? More importantly, were they extremely attractive?

Why is that important?

Because an extremely attractive person has more than likely had sex on the item your are purchasing. Shit, I woulnd't even trust a kitchen table.

A moderately attractive person you can gauge by whatever personal interaction you have with them if they are the "having sex" type

Ugly people are probably not having sex but I wouldn't get a mattress from them either.

I think if you are going to spend your money on a mattress or couch, you have the right to ask if they have fornicated on the item.

I only trust buying from virgins on Craigslist.

Continue reading Craiglist Virgins

Fuck Alfred Lord Tennyson!

He was the one who said the immortal words:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

You know what that tells me about Alfie?

Either he's never been in love.

Or he's only been in love once.

Let me preface this mini-rant by stating that this is not consciously about any particular person (although a therapist after a week's worth of work would determine that it was about a bunch of different people)

I was on the train on the way home and I was thinking about this quote while listening to some Radiohead (probably didn't help) and I came to the conclusion that, while I'm sure it sounded smart at the time, it was a really STUPID concept.

I mean, sure if you've fallen in love once and lost and no matter what the pain was, you can always say you've had the experience of love.

But after the second, third and fourth "lost loves", that outlook goes straight out the fucking window.

The older I get, the more I feel that it's better to have not loved anymore than to have given love another shot to lose me again.

Seriously, after a couple of stabs at it, do you feel any better about it?

Do you feel like you're getting somewhere?

Do I feel like a better person for having loved and lost more than once? Yes and no.

Yes, I know more about what it means to be a human being and I know more about relationships and women and emotions than I ever would have.

But I also know more about pain and loss and irrational thought than your average Star Trek geek attends conferences every year and lives in his mother's basement (well, maybe not irrational thought).

Lucky them. They couldn't holodeck the emotions attached with multiple lost loves.

One and done would have been good enough for me.

There's another saying...

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. (Chinese Proverb)

Fool me three times...then what?

Shit, what about four or five times?

Does that make me mentally challenged, a glutton for punishment or a foolish optimist?

Maybe, it's time for me to take the Radiohead off the old iPod.

*Please note, the emotions expressed in this rant have a shelf life of 12 days. When it expires, I will pretend I never felt this way. Please allow me to be in such denial.

Continue reading Fuck Alfred Lord Tennyson!

i love it when...

...I'm on the train and an attractive woman comes on and she gives me a positive "oh he's kinda cute" look...

...then I reach into my bookbag and pull out a Batman comic.

I can almost feel the points be subtracted...

I keep it real.

(Although in my greatest train fantasy, she would say "Excuse me, is that the new issue?)

Continue reading i love it when...