MeLOVEism, Part IV

The saga continues courtesy of Tasha:

Does intense passionate love truly last in long term relationships (long term being more than 10 years)?
No it doesn't. Imagine how creepy that would be. Two people constantly thinking about one another, fucking like rabbits when they got home from work, being all schmoopie with each other for 10 years. How would they accomplish anything in life? Who would take care of the children? Who would want to be around that kind of couple? Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. You can have intense passionate moments which are better because they stand out in the monotony of a long-term relationships.


Do men and women truly love differently? And does one gender love 'harder' than the other?
Men and women do love differently but I wouldn't say one loves "harder" than the other. It really varies from person to person. People have a tendency to think that the way they love is the way everyone should love. So when their partner doesn't love them in their way, they take it as not being loved as much as they love their partner. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone not named Sean.

Is the concept of romantic love as we know it
a. a concept manufactured by advertisers and writers?
b. a purely chemical reaction?
Love is a chemical, emotional and psychological reaction that would happen to a person who lived under a rock for their entire life, never having seen a movie, read a book or heard a trite ballad. However, how one is expected to act in a relationship tends to be "manufactured by advertisers and writers." They sold us on flowers and diamonds and cards and mixtapes as expression of love. I would love to live in a world where two people loving each other and spending time together is all that mattered in a relationship but alas, too many women have seen Pretty Woman. Personally, whoever does ads for Kay Jewelers should be hung from their ankles and have frustrated husbands throw rocks at them.


Do you think a man's current proclivity for distancing sex from emotion and woman's tendency to attach of emotion with sex nature or nuture?
It's too prevalent in my gender to not consider it nature but their is a nuture element. How old are boys before they first hear about love and relationships? When they pull all the girls out of 4th grade to talk about their periods, the boys should be made to watch High Fidelity.

Thanks, Tasha.

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part IV

MeLOVEism, Part III

Round Three courtesy of Sheila

Can you ever say "I love you" too much?
It depends why and how you say it. If you say to the point that it's commonplace (like the end of a phone conversation) than it's never too much. But some people say it with a certain level of fear like every time they say it is supposed to be a reminder. "Remember when you go out into a space that I'm not with you that I love you and you are supposed to love me so don't do anything that compromises that. Don't leave me!" You can tell when there's a hint of desperation in an "I love you" and it's really fucking creepy.


Can a couple ever have a successful relationship following a "break" (a la Friends)?
It depends why the couple broke up. If they broke up over a fight that wasn't an underlying issue throughout the relationship, just anger, then yes. But if the couple broke up over an issue in the relationship that wasn't resolved, something like key beliefs on marriage and children, then they probably shouldn't get back together unless one person truly has a change of heart. How often does that happen (without therapy)? If you decided a long time ago you don't want kids, what would it take for you to want kids? When people who break up over big issues get back together, they go under the same haze people just start dating are under that everything is fine but eventually the issue creeps back up. Hopefully, you're not already married when it does.


Do soulmates exist?
Yes, they exist. Doesn't mean you're supposed to date them. Whoever you consider your best friend - regardless of gender - is one of many soulmates in your life.


Can "Momma's boys" ever love their significant other more than their mothers?
It depends what kind of momma's boy they are. If they are the kind that loves their mother because she's their best friend and they talk about everything, probably not but that's okay. The love he has for you and her aren't in conflict. If they are the kind of momma's boy who's mother did everything for them and babied them throughout their life, you DON'T want them to love you more than their mother because that means he thinks you have taken over the babying part. Plus, the mothers of those types of guys are particularly horrible to deal with.


Are bars actually conducive to meeting "relationship material" people?
Only if you list under your interests "dressing up to get drunk." Seriously though, you can meet "relationship material" people anywhere. It's just a matter of sifting through all the "one night stand" material people and the "I'm subconsciously looking for a rebound" people and the "I'm here every night" people and the "I seem like relationship material but I'm really batshit crazy KOO KOO KACHOOO" people. It's not necessarily a needle in a haystack but it definitely feels that way.


Will Britney Spears ever find true love?
Who's to say she hasn't? Hasn't her behavior over the last year proven that Kevin Federline was truly a soulmate?

Thanks Sheila!

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part III

MeLOVEism, Part II

Well, I didn't expect to already get some questions to answer.

This session is courtesy of Cindy.

How do you recapture the initial spark and "swoony" feelings? If it feels gone, is it just gone?
I personally think when it's gone, it's gone. That's why it's a spark and not an all-encompassing fire. You can recapture it in small moments by doing or receiving something totally unexpected for/from your love but something that only they'd/you'd appreciate and if they/you explained it to someone else, they might not understand the meaning.


Can you be friends with your ex? If so, what's the incubation period?
You can be friends with your ex but, like planting crops, it has to be under optimal conditions:

1. If possible, you probably shouldn't speak or associate with one another for a year minimum. Two years is optimal. Therefore when you do speak to each other, enough will have gone on in your life that the only thing you can think to talk about is when you were together.
2. Hopefully, you've both had relationships (or at least "relations") prior to being friends. It's easier when they aren't last person you did anything with.
   
3. You have to pretend like you never dated. I can't stress this one enough. When you speak, you never speak of things you did together. You never "Remember when..." about anything you guys did as a couple. If a story calls for you to recall this period in time, you treat as something you guys did as friends, not as a couple. The fact is no matter how much time has passed between you, the end of a relationship bothered one party more than the other.

How long should you be dating someone before you try to give it a label? Put in a another way, how long do you have to wait to have the status of the relationship conversation?
When you achieve "Last Call" status with one another. "Last Call" status means that if you are both at home at a reasonable hour, you are each the last person the other talks to before they go to bed. If one of you is out late, you send a "good night" text. You smile as you send it. They smile when they receive it (even if they were already asleep and kinda pissed the phone woke them up until they see it's you). When you are doing that for more than 2-3 weeks, it's time to have the talk.


How does sex change a relationship and "make things different"? Are there variations by gender?
Seeing anyone naked changes your relationship. Sex or no sex, once you see someone naked, you can never take it back (unless you gain or lose a whole lot of weight). I think women take sex in the relationship more seriously than men. Like it's the natural progression of a the relationship while men have more of a tendency to be like "Well, it's about time."


How do you get him to do the nice things he did when you first started seeing each other?
Do the nice things you did when you first started seeing each other. Hopefully, he'll reciprocate. If that doesn't work, randomly mention things he used to do like, "Remember when you..." And if that doesn't work, either you'll have to get it into his head that you're not a SURE thing (which is why he did those nice things in the first place) or you'll just have to live with the things he does everyday. It's good practice for marriage.

Thanks Cindy!

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part II

MeLOVEism, Part I

So I was reading some of my OLD posts and realized I don't theorize about love and relationships anymore. My favorite thing about this blog was to write thoughts and theories about love and relationships. What you think before you are in a relationship and what you think during a relationship are two TOTALLY different things. I just wanted proof that I didn't think love and relationships were all fun and games.

Anyway, I want to tap that part of my brain again but I'm lacking in inspiration. So I'm reaching out to you,my 5-7 semi-occasional readers, for questions for me to answer.

So leave me a comment or shoot me an e-mail.

For starters, the lovely Navani has agreed to ask me some questions for me to answers:

Do you think the idea of a rebound is universal for both women and men?
I think the idea of a rebound is universal for men and women but I think they approach it differently. I think guys have more of a tendency to hook up with someone to try to get the ex "out of their system." They actively seek out the rebound. Women actually date and have relationships with guys before they even realize that he's the rebound guy.


Who should initiate communication between a man and a woman? Does it matter? Are there still rules regarding this?
I don't think it SHOULD matter but it does. In a perfect world, people would approach the people they are interested it - years of social programming be damned. But some guys are scared by the kind of girls who would approach them and some girls will NEVER approach a guy and why should they?


Can booty calls ever really turn into real relationships?
My initial reaction was "No. Never. Never Ever." But you know what? You never know. Eventually, the booty caller and the booty have to have some post-coital conversations. Maybe they'll have some inside jokes. Learn something about each other's personal life. Next thing, you know, you get a phone call at 1 PM...


When is too soon to say you love someone? is there a too soon?
Yes, there is a "too soon." I understand the desire to tell someone the second you feel it but you should hold off until you are at least 85% certain they feel the same way. It's about letting your relationship grow at a comfortable pace. If you tell someone too soon, it creates a countdown of sorts: The How-Many-Days-From-Me-First-Saying-'I-Love-You'-To-You-Reciprocating Countdown.


Can you have a successful relationship with someone that maybe you have no sparks with but is a really great person otherwise...and offers you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship
Yes, you can a successful relationship with a really great person who you don't feel the romantic spark for. It's called a friendship.

Thanks for playing, Navani. Hopefully, you won't be the last.

Continue reading MeLOVEism, Part I